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There always seems to be some reference point from which we evaluate ourselves. New situations always seem to increase that pressure. Where is the fine line between my actions and the actions of the institution I work for? If I deny myself ownership over my particular projects or tasks, then I lose my self-purpose along with my position. It took me years of schooling to finally detach the A, B, C, and D from who I was and if I was of value. Now in a new position I lean towards attempts to impress, as I navigate myself around a new nine to five pace. On the other side of the sandwich is another piece of bread that has me seeing program/department-wide failures, troubles, and aches as my own. In the midst of everything I’m finding that it requires more effort than I ever remember to discover my own drives and ambition. Should work be easier than play?
This makes me wonder if I’ve been reprogrammed and if selfish actions require a reboot now. Each reboot is exhausting and only puts me back where I started. An endless loop where my own personal journey is both the chicken and the egg.
So I’ve been writing poetry weekly (thanks to a pact between a another writing friend of mine), keeping up with my Economists, and attempting other personal time. Don’t forget there is my boyfriend, which leaves me torn between everything new in my life (the long-term relationship being one of those new things).
Reprogrammed or reality? Out of sync, maybe. I could call all my friends. I could go out more. I could at least keep in touch online.
Yet,
I barely seem have time to stay late at work everyday.
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