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In one corner we have the most individual of the individual, Justin-China. In the other you have the opposite in strength, clearly more settled and definitely not alone, Justin-Committed Relationship (CR).
The rink, Beijing, is home turf for Justin-China. Yet, much of his support is missing or under pressure.
As for Justin-CR, the significant-other is right at his side for the ride. It is as though the Justin-CR’s birth mother is in the front row, eyes watching.
So enough of this metaphor speak. We are going to Beijing, China for a bit of travel. The tickets were cheap, I guess people don’t go to China for Thanksgiving! China was a life of individualism for me, the back story
of any study abroad trip. Since graduation, I’m paying rent, working, living with the guy in my life, and looking at what stability I can find in my future. This is a long way off from good ole Junior year. Sure I’ll still have a beer in the streets of Beijing and find a moment of Zen. Just this time there will be someone else in the equation, zen +1.
Rightfully so, our lives have been centered around ourselves for some portion here and there. It’s only appropriate, considering that for us, it’s where things begin. Yet here and there other people enter life. Especially after graduation, we learn that even when we are alone there are still people all around us that matter and our actions have an impact on. That “feelin’ kinda down” day doesn’t mean homework just doesn’t get done, it can fade into job and relationship performance. Now you ask, “you are right, but any advice?” I can’t say I have anything specific this time around. Just stick to your guns, usually your intuition has the best words for your ears.
We begin to learn that zen +1 can feel just as good as a solid self-centered moment. Zen +1 can also take more work. Just remember there is a context to yourself. We are all supported by a social network around us, even it if at times it feels very impersonal. You have an obligation to the most self-centered cell in your body to learn what around you makes you an individual. Go in, be an individual, and then come out. It may be a closet or it could be out of a shell, but just come out and share yourself with the world around you. We all don’t live around our own Walden Ponds for a reason.
In this battle, hopefully everyone wins.
Be an individual of many…Zen +many.
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[ becoming..., beijing, china, initial_fears, metaphor, personal imagery, personal_growth, personal_journey, realization, relationships, significant_other ]4 Responses to “Clash of the titans”
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November 19th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I lead the struggle between individualism and committed relationship everyday. People start to ask how the collective “you” are, as opposed to how I am as a partner. My partner and I make it a point not to speak for each other in the “we are good” or “our opinion is..” tone. Luckily we also make it a point to have lives that are not focused on each other only. We have taken trips on our own, we have my friends, his friends and our friends. I think its important not to lose that individualism in a relationship. I guess the philosophy that if you aren’t happy with yourself, how can you expect those around you to be happy with you.
November 27th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
One always will be an individual, no matter how committed you may be to a relationship. Too many people, somtimes, try to change to please their significant other, and by so doing lose their self; this all leads to eventual self destruction as well as to one’s relationship. One must be that special individual who learns to be loved by that special someone, and yet have all the social friends, family, and environment to be whole. Too many relationships fail because of a lack of trust, loyalty,compassion, and pure lack of communication! Be unto thy self true! Lastly , be sure everyone has their own space, a space in time to think, make decisions, and a time to be with that social network that one as humans require to be whole.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
Social networks - professional acquaintances, passing friends, and best buds - are important, even necessary. I do think, however, we tend to be a culture that uses people to “feel whole”. Authentic relationships depend upon our own ability to be alone and truly like ourselves. This is not an easy task for most of us. The more honest we are with ourselves, the more authentic we can be to/for others. Loyalty, compassion, communication, etc. with others requires that we experience with ourselves too.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:44 pm
China was becoming many things to me. I was lost in thoughts about a beautiful culture, injustice, shared human experience….
We had spent the morning and afternoon exploring past empires, walking where only emperors once walked. Nearing sundown we found ourselves leaving the crowded chaos of the city as we neared the Temple of Heaven. Everything around was suddenly different. I should have been tired from the day, but instead felt as though I had been lifted up. There were paved walkways and rows of trees resting down from a summer of growth. Calm was around me and I could breathe. The sun continued to set and the park felt empty. We paid admission, but everything was closed, one locked door after another greeted us. Then the blessing…happened. We continued to explore.
You led. I followed. We walked. It was dark now. I let go. I needed to let go. As was true for the days in Beijing leading up to this moment, you were my guide. Heaven was somewhere in the distance, but the doors would not open again until morning. We walked. We walked holding hands. We walked without a destination in my mind. The paved walks were abandoned for crooked paths, and sometimes for simple clearings. We weaved through trees. We barely spoke, there was no need. We simply experienced our surroundings, our thoughts, ourselves, us. We were present to the present. Separate, but together.
Eventually we came back to where we started. The lights of the city could be seen in the distance through the gate. Outside the walls the smells and sounds of the busy world - the joys and injustices - were quickly approaching. Soon we would be on a bus and then the subway - being led to another destination. You would continue to be guide. And as our hands parted my faith grew tenfold. We were/are two, not one, sharing our journeys with one another. Chaos is part of that, but not all of it.
As we immersed ourselves in the spiritual traditions of the East, I was reminded that our tradition describes Heaven as a great feast. It is my prayer to be at your table when that time comes.
We would return to the Temple of Heaven the next day.