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I am the best of what’s around. This is an oft had thought of mine. Like the force of gravity pulling a river towards the sea, I can be of pollution and become the worst of what’s around. Time has deemed something well overdue. It’s a look back and a look forward. It seems appropriate for a new phase in my life. Everything around me is different than what I’m used to.
There have been many “looks back” in my life.
A bubble popped, I popped the bubble. I found capital letters again only to denounce them. The college experience was very College. A wave of mixed associations collaborating with the growing assumption that I knew everything. The degree and graduation marked the completion of understanding that I really didn’t know much at all. The liberal (arts) skills learned are only broadly applicable to real life jobs. Knowing something is wrong but not what is wrong or that something is right but not knowing how it worked on a less macro-philosophical level. I lived in China for nearly six months.
I lived in China for nearly six months.
Ok, so it changed my life. Much like the night in China at past-bar-closing a.m. when a Beijing expensive but U.S.A. cheap cab ride dropped me off in a old/currently operating factory partially international diplomatic art hub area to reach the meeting of a new friend. My four U.S. dollar flashlight keychain saves my panicked soul as I wasn’t even sure I was at the right place. I only later realized that the same keychain was available in China for an equivalent twenty-five U.S. cents. The light shined on signed that I could only understand because the popular art area had adopted english on their signs. What was a late night meeting turned into a queer mentorship. Think metaphorically of this story.
I queered on purpose.
These images are clear examples. My days are dark, exposing only what I shine my light on. College had me running towards each light, wanting to be an example of what you could become as I often forgot who I was.
I spoke of dreams.
I tried to live dimly lit and misunderstood dreams. Life has been and had been hard, all I knew was change in the face of what appeared to be stability.
I came upon pattern changes…Spring ‘06 was post China, which coincidentally was also post finding myself. This was how I felt. Repeating patterns caused sporadic grades, a lot of internal study, and a resulting in three roommates for my next year. Personally, resolute feelings came in bottles, bad movies, dancing, pictures, wasting time, trying to do everything at once, and planning spontaneity.
I planned spontaneity…Two weeks after school ended my Junior year was spent planning my spontaneous trip around the country. Travel as a muse for my first larger scale creative writing project. Leaving many of the logistics in the hands of another man, left me at the whim of spontaneity through the eyes of one man. My pure moments were quickly impure as I lost control of myself. Left behind was my dream of the project. What hurt most wasn’t the disrespect from others but mainly the disrespect I had for myself. Good souls saved me, none of which were my own.
I felt of betrayal and drive…A promised release of my project to everyone involved has only been talked about, mainly because it was real, and reality is hard to release. I had imagined a lighthearted but intense tail of the goodness of others and the challenges of self driven travel. What resulted was my own discovery of self truths page after page. I feared misinterpretations along the lines of many misinterpretations bestowed upon my everyday body and mind. Finally, life was more real to me and not just a one-directional path towards enlightenment. I am going to fall flat on my face more often than not.
I felt of falling apart…It is hard to take ownership of a mental game of fifty-two pickup. There is a standard way to order the cards but then again, what game are we playing this time? Another painful realization, life continues whether or not you are prepared for the next hand. I found it hard to live by my own motto of not hanging onto the past, but learning from it, and not living in the future, but look forward to its possibilities. A physical reason, my body adjusting from the level of activity on study abroad, had my swim results spiking early only to leave months of watching my dreams slip away. Not only did I not make nationals but my season ended earlier than planned. It was an unexpected death in my life with limited means to cope. Swimming still brings tears to my eyes. I have recognized that there are energies that need to be refocused, but to what?
Everything new…The job, the relationship, the stability, the non-profit work, and etc. are all things to be proud of. Not noticing the sympathetic ears to be found. Am I not alone in thinking that college trains us to make the best decisions for ourselves but we are left without the time and information do so?
I am lost in change…Yet, I am more organized than ever. Feeling driven gets me through the day but I fear the week, month, and years to come.
Doing everything but accomplishing nothing all at once.
My ex-roommate Kelsey missed her LIRR train in New York City, she sat drinking wine at a Penn Station Bar. I sat greedily accepting her phone call wanting to make havoc in New York with her. We felt a change in social scenery and…
we remembered that we haven’t talked to our best friends in months.
