Becoming something…

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Here we are again, the re-run. Jesus up on the cross and Easter plays out again. I am Catholic, but this day is of mixed meaning. Recent revelations have me feeling like the most religious in my family. This is odd. I spent my middle school years collapsing under the pressure of my false understandings of my religion, rejecting it soon thereafter. Much of this pressure coming from the understandings and faith taught to me by my parents.

Today, my partner and I sat and watched a History Channel account of Jesus and his life. He wanted to do something “Jesusy.” This was followed by a viewing of the first Austin Powers movie, International Man of Mystery. A traditional Easter celebration.

Turns out Jesus had a fro and the 90’s brought an end to shagging freely. Seemingly eyeballed by my ancient feeling religiosity and present idealism of sexual freedom, I’ve spent too long crucified by my own belief in others ability to support me. Esteem through sexuality, err sex, and guidance. False guidance that has me feeling much about my sexual history in way that I used to criticize the faithful.

As I watch this re-run and it’s earlier than expected this year, the story is repeated and unchanged, for a reason. The collision of religion that had become overly institutionalized full of wrongdoings with its people. The equality of both, brings the collapse of both.

Refreshed in belief, I am infant. Restrained in sexual self-exploitation, I am immature.

With all my faults in deconstruction, I now understand the power of something greater. The power of something to support me and finding the power to be that something.

Does our society make it hard to feel humbled? Can we feel humbled to something other than money and power? How?

Are adults made? A recent article by Kay Hymowitz from City Journal suggests something about young men today in our society:

Today’s single young men hang out in a hormonal limbo between adolescence and adulthood.

Child-Man in the Promised Land by Kay S. Hymowitz, City Journal Winter 2008

The suggestion is that for various social reasons, we are bypassing the previous generations’ milestone of marriage and a family when we supposedly begin our adult lives with the start of our careers. That first main job and first step now equals independence. Am I socially stunted, stuck in a culturally locked puberty (video games, the internet, and career changes)? I’m not in college anymore and much of that activity has gone by the wayside. There isn’t much like the structure of a full-time job, other personal pursuits, and a growing long-term relationship to have other things take favor. Yet, I still long for the long nights, long papers, and long haphazard days.

My relationship and new job is the cornerstone to a growing foundation that I think is moving me beyond this immature middle ground. Priorities change and whether or not I like to admit it, I’m heavily invested in both. This is by choice. This implies that this stage is under our own self-control. Is it important to take action?

Action would be contrary to what is rewarded in our culture; action which requires forward thinking loses to the many short-term excited battles our cultures supports. How can the weekend (or even every day) be one of exciting battles if you are settled into a life track, one long battle with something or short ones with quick feedback and results? Immediate gratification is clearly our cultural winner. It usually takes an event or emotional commitment to be able to recognize the importance of the former, long-term action, possibly to just return back afterwards.

Even today, they say SYM (Single Young Males), Hymowitz’s term, or this millennial generation in general is distracted by many new things, a world of instant gratification. Take your college life for example.

[Jones, S] (2002) indicated that 72% of all students check their email daily, and 26% of college students use instant messaging on an average day. A similar survey in 2005 found that 83% of adults in the 18-29 age range participate in online activities [Demographics of Internet Users] (2007 ).

Digital-Distractions

We learned in and with this environment. Conveniences have become crutches.

So what of women? I don’t necessarily think they are excluded from this phenomenon but they sure are talking about it. The child-man article continues,

In Internet chat rooms, in advice columns, at female water-cooler confabs, and in the pages of chick lit, the words “immature” and “men” seem united in perpetuity…Men feel threatened by female empowerment, these thinkers argue, and in their anxiety, they cling to outdated roles.

Child-Man in the Promised Land by Kay S. Hymowitz, City Journal Winter 2008

The CEO phenomenon is one example of the ever growing worth and exchange value of a single individual. Females with this power, on this scale, is historically rare; they have a right to enjoy it, even in the face of the above mentioned masculine uncertainty. It would be wrong to not point out that only twelve of Fortune 500 companies are headed by female CEOs, which debunks Hymowitz’s argument above.

I’m not sure if I see it as gender specific because I feel like many women face the the same cultural pressures that us males do.

Are these trends any different from the activities of young women who are often unwilling to surrender personal freedoms to be “shackled” by motherhood? The Sex and the City generation who see marriage as an anchor and drag on their personal lives, who embrace disposable relationships and are obsessed with designer clothing?

Editorial: Beware the Child-Man?

I’ll admit my cravings and notice that I see many peers expressing their freedom. I even would go as far to say, because of a different social experience in my youth while dealing with my sexuality, I am even more immature in certain areas. My immaturity is supported. More than ever we are rewarded for growth of self and not of family or relationships if it is in the way.

So, do we continue because we can?

We all may need to read more, converse more, and look at how thin we are spread in our social world (especially if it’s virtual). I keep wondering if I should be focusing harder or caring less? I am not a SYM, the relationship disqualifies me of that title, but the cute voices on my shoulders are both telling me that the SYM life is calling. Most of us now have the freedom to develop in the context of something, say a relationship, or develop outside of that structure.

The child-man, gay-infant, and adult-girl are real. Stuck playing video games, exploring deep relationships for the first time, and keeping time with image and power, we are our own segment of society. We will become a generation around it. It feels good, but I feel detached. Our 30s will come soon, but should our goal be to cum as much as possible before it does?

Adults don’t emerge. They’re made.

Child-Man in the Promised Land by Kay S. Hymowitz, City Journal Winter 2008

Another stranger

Strong teeth nibbling at the soul,
a midnight snack of attempted progress.

My feet treaded new footsteps,
from the moment I woke up.

Sore eyes for similar,
familiar lies. I’m fooling myself again.

Putting out isn’t the same, the
first time, second time, third time around.

Give me stone eyes. Eyes that find hearts
cold. Minds that build false homes in me.

Now, I’ve opened the front door, but
nothing looks familiar. Not even
his now familiar beard.

Someone else has made my bed,
and although new things feel safe,
I’ve encountered another stranger.

Muddle muddle…

I’ve been twiddling my thumbs recently and not much has come of it. As I’m sure you have seen on here, so few posts. So now I’ve exploded, tension abound. I’m hoping that it is a good thing.

I spent months at work trying to claim my space, make it a 40 hour work week. Now with the new year, I’ve added, added, and added. For me, it feels like the only way I’ll get some of the important things in my life done (apply to grad school, etc). First it was working out regularly (with my man), then I volunteered for an extra Chinese tutoring session (now twice a week), picked up a project at work that I didn’t have to get involved in, volunteered my efforts to a friend’s local community record company (soon to be non-profit), and on top of it it all shit hit the fan at work and I’ve been handed a bunch of new supervisor responsibilities.

Deep breath…

So now, oddly enough, I feel like I can get things done, life back on track. This was the same for me in college, the busier I was (for the most part), the better I performed.

How do you build into doing something? Do you prefer the empty plate approach or do you try to teeter on insanity?

What pushes you?

What a waste of time?

or was it?

Years seem to fly by these days and with each year coming the transition into the next also seems to have much more philosophical baggage with it. I’m holding onto a lot, happy about a lot, and getting over a bunch of things. The new year allows for a big sigh of relief and a chance to motion, with a toast, everything into “that was last year”. It honestly feels like one of the only moments each year where it’s relatively easy to live in the moment. A few drinks down and a count down away from closing a book and opening a new one at the same time.

What is next?
Are we sad it’s over or happy for what is next?

Maybe, most importantly, this is a time to reflect. Treasure the space you have to yourself or the friends that are surrounding you. Time can slow for a moment as bubbles from your bubbly tickle your nose. Nothing else can be a greater lesson in learning how to live from book to book, year to year, and day to day. It’s a great chance to understand how to find joy, or live in the tough reality of a lifetime of transitions.

Is someone not there or something missing?
Who IS there? What did you get out of this past year?

Stop comparing yourself to dreams and actually work towards them. If you are the type to set out some resolutions, let your one resolution be to have none.

Look at your hands.
Look at your eyes in the mirror.
Tell yourself, this is the new year and I have already accomplished what I’m setting out to do.

and the new tree we got over the weekend is so delightful and ominous. And since there’s no place to go, let it precipitate, let it precipitate, let it precipitate.

Snow fell and then rain slushified it, much like Michigan should, except this year it’s not exciting me as much as it normally does. I’ll admit that it looked nice on Ypsilanti’s streets as it seemed to give them reason to be empty. Yet, this year feels extremely different. Christmas music playing on the radio before Thanksgiving isn’t new but it is a constant reminder that something is new. This will be my first independent Christmas, the first time that my celebration will be divided between families and our own. The songs seem to hit a note that doesn’t convey cheer this year, but possibly fear.

I’ve been alone for the holiday season before, namely when I was on study abroad. Even then, because China didn’t celebrate it, we created our own version (thanks to goods sent from home) but could mostly ignored it. It was easy to because there wasn’t any type of build up surrounding me. Otherwise, I’ve been home for the holidays. We missed family Thanksgiving celebration this year because we were in China, a necessary holiday build-up. Now I sit looking at our beautiful new tree, decorated and purchased ourselves. Of course we will travel to our respective families’ houses for the festivities.

Each Christmas song is a reminder of my independence. Instead of being frustrated and depressed at my family’s home, I’m happily away. Yet, more than ever, this is the season in which I want to feel dependent on my old residence.

In what ways are you struggling with independence? Wasn’t the dream of independence a sweeter goal when it was proving something to your parents?

I took a weekend away, thanks to my boyfriend.  It was the first gift out of our three anniversaries (that is another story ).  The pretense of the weekend was time for ourselves but not necessarily time for “us” as a couple.  What happened there was something I didn’t expect.

This surprise that I am talking about was a major release of built up emotion, thoughts, and the exploration of space.  I finally had space.  This was no fault but my own but the literal move to space, in nature, allowed me to recognize it’s existence.  I breathed, wrote, slept, ate, and thought all weekend.  All of it consumed me.  I’ve emerged better and stronger with a better sense of everything new that smashed into my life all at once recently.  The week afterward was hard, really hard.  Yet, had I not taken that literal move to space I’d be happy, content, and extended into all the new things around me.  What fun would that be?

You can get caught up in everything.  If it’s new, you are bound to spend a lot of time with it.  In fact I feel like most people spend most of their time caught up in things.  It can seem nice, really nice, and all the honesty in the world will tell you that is it.

It really is nice.

I’m not here to try and diminish that.  We can only be honest with the space we are in.  The here, the now, and the what we are.

In transition, the hardest thing to listen to won’t be what is flying at you every second of the day.  The hardest thing will be to pay attention to what has been there since the beginning, yourself.

Take some time.  No really, do it.